Crummy Commuting

•January 25, 2014 • Leave a Comment

I was gonna MEGA RAGE!!!! But then I realised I’d be using up my only three good ideas on one post and that would be FOOLISH!!!! Especially since I need to get ahead of the game for my loyal reader.

That is if you are still there….

Are you still there….

Please still be there….

Let’s move on….

Or possibly I should move on….

Or you should move on….

Or maybe no one should move on….

I just don’t know anymore….

The following announcement assumes that your country of origin drives on the left. If your country of origin drives on the right then you need to swap left with right and right with left. There is no change to up or down unless they involve left and right then you will probably need to learn about vector spaces.

DO YOU DRIVE?

I DO

Let’s go over some of the basics. On the road they have signs. There are stop signs, give way signs, caution signs and the list goes on…. These signs give you information. For example, the speed limit sign. A simple sign that tells you how fast you can go. Where I live if there is no sign you can go 50km per hour. If there is a sign with a 70 inside a red circle you can go 70km per hour. The intent of these signs is to keep traffic flowing at a reasonable pace, within the design limits of the road. Going slower will disrupt the flow of traffic and can make the road be less safe due to the interaction of the faster and slower cars. So if you are in a 70 zone, like on St Georges Rd then go 70….

….NOT FUCKING 50!!!!

THAT’S RIGHT….

NOT

FUCKING

50

YOU ARSEHOLES!!!!

YOU FUCKING SHIT ME OFF TO NO END!!!!

Before when I mentioned the design of the road. Well engineers are FUCKING CONSERVATIVE. That is, they err on the side of caution when it comes to safety for the benefit of everyone. Ever driven around a bend that had a yellow warning sign advising that you should do a certain speed but that you could actually go faster?

That’s cause it’s a conservative setting taking into account the lower end of driving capability.

Ever wonder why the cross walk signals takes so long?

That’s cause it is set to let really old people and the disabled to cross safely.

So engineers (and they are a smart bunch) have already taken into account your SHIT DRIVING SKILLS!?!?

So stop driving SO FUCKING SLOW!!!!

But let me add to the rhetoric of why you are a DUMB ASS if you drive too slowly….

This from the Victorian driving test serious errors section:

“If the traffic is very busy and moving at a speed slower than the speed limit, you should choose an appropriate speed to fit into the traffic flow.  However you may be penalised if you drive too slowly for the conditions during the test because you are meant to be driving in normal, day-to-day driving conditions.”

That’s right!

“YOU MAY BE PENALISED IF YOU DRIVE TOO SLOWLY!!!!”

Oh and while I’m on this topic of shit driver’s. Which part of “KEEP LEFT UNLESS OVERTAKING” don’t you get. It is so difficult a concept that it takes FOUR FUCKING WORDS to explain it!!!!

FOUR FUCKING WORDS!!!!

And you can get fined for it, DICKHEADS!!!!

So next time you are on the roads, just try to work on two simple things that piss off a heap of people….

DO THE FUCKING SPEED LIMIT!!!!

AND KEEP FUCKING LEFT!!!!

Otherwise, take your driver’s license out of your wallet, purse, manbag,or whatever and….

SHOVE IT SO FAR UP YOUR ARSE THAT

YOU

CHOKE

TO

DEATH!!!!

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Mugtome Messenger

•November 10, 2013 • Leave a Comment

I was on the tram the other day and happened to overhear a conversation…

FACEBOOK IS SHIT!

Interesting, I wonder why that could be?

Could it be the numerous privacy issues that have plagued the venture? Or maybe the intrusive advertisements? Or maybe the selling of your personnel preferences for profit? Or some other shit that I cannot remember but has pissed off all the users….

No, it had nothing to do with the usual capital greed that drives Facebook.

It was

all because

of people

posting things about

their babies

and mundane lives….

WTF?!?!

You know I do have some issues with using acronyms. Sometimes they don’t convey what I really feel….

WHAT THE FUCK!?!?

Aaah, much better. Again.

WHAT THE FUCK!?!?

The problem is not fucking Facebook! The problem is your FUCKING FRIENDS!!!!

If you don’t want to hear stories about babies and mundane lives then don’t have FUCKING FRIENDS, with FUCKING BABIES or FUCKING MUNDANE LIVES!!!!

In other words…

Get some new FUCKING FRIENDS!!!!

But that might be hard cause if all your friends have mundane lives….

YOU PROBABLY HAVE A FUCKING MUNDANE LIFE AS WELL!!!!

To put it bluntly….

DON’T BLAME THE FUCKING MESSENGER!!!!

Automated Menhir

•October 20, 2013 • Leave a Comment

I’M MUTHAFUCKIN’ BACK BABY!!!!

LET’S GET THE RAGE ON!!!!

Firstly, there is a link to a story from long ago that has my rage. I need to see the article again to focus otherwise this could be disastrous. I click on the link….

waiting….

hoping….

rage building….

will I have another subject to write about….

will it load…..

IT FUCKING DOES!!!!

I’M AMAZED!!!!

I THOUGHT ONLY PORN AND FUCKING CAT PICTURES SURVIVED ON THE INTERWEB!!!!

Let’s move on, this is the basis of the story….

Someone in Israel gave someone in the States a stone. Now said stone has an embedded microchip, that is impressive but fucking useless at the same time.

“Oh look, I can inscribe a stone with small letters”

GOOD FOR FUCKING YOU!!!!

WHERE ARE MY FUCKING NANOBOTS?!?!

But that’s not the RAGE!!!! This is what gets my goat. The stone is supposedly….

“2,000 YEARS OLD”

Let that sink for a bit….

NO IT IS FUCKING NOT!!!!

THE STONE IS MILLIONS OF YEARS OLD!!!!

Just cause some loser picked up a stone 2,000 years ago it does not make its age 2,000 years old. I repeat….

DOES NOT MAKE IT FUCKING 2,000 YEARS OLD!!!!

Unless of course there is some philosophical thinking behind the age of things….

“Oh yes, the universe is only as old as what I perceive and I only perceive….THE NOW. So the universe and all that it is in it, can only be an INFINITESIMAL fraction of time old at any point in time!!!!”

OH FUCK YES, TAKE THAT REALITY!!!!

Or maybe it’s just some creationist BULLSHIT. But that would mean that the crazy christians (please do not capitalise spellchecker) are giving the finger to the jews by saying anything before 2,000 years ago is all made up fantasy.

JUST LIKE THEY DO TO SCIENCE!!!!

“Oh yes, science is fucking evil, except for all the awesome stuff that I use on a daily basis that makes my life FUCKING EASIER or saves me from dying when I’m FUCKING THIRTY”

But back on topic and let’s break that logic down….

I’m walking on the street. It has been a hot summer. I find a bottle of milk with an expiry date from a month ago. However, I use my stone logic and the milk is magically now a few seconds old. I drink….

I GET FUCKING SICK!!!!

ERGO…

YOUR LOGIC IS FLAWED!!!!

But should I just be adding to the problem. Maybe, just maybe I can help. Let’s use the premise of the flawed logic to help us and rewrite the story….

“Someone in Israel gave someone in the States a microchipped rock that is seven months old!!!!”

THERE YOU GO ASSHOLES I FIXED IT FOR YOU!!!!

Exhibition Neglect

•April 28, 2013 • Leave a Comment

So I was at a concert the other night. The band was TOOL.

Don’t know if you know much about them but they are pretty fucking cool in my humble opinion. Their shows are….

….FUCKING AMAZING!!!!

Not only do they have the ability to absolutely nail the songs they play but they also put on an amazing VISUAL FEAST!!!! This is a band that takes the time and effort to put together a show that will blow your mind!!!!

Enough of the love….

So what has got my goat you ask!?!?

Good question. I’m glad that we are on the same wavelength. Humming away…

….WITH RAGE!!!!

Now, the TOOL army are a very serious bunch. The fanaticism of some of the fans borders on the disturbing. My mate Mr Kristoff (check out his blog here) bought the tickets in the pre-sale. My understanding is that we got FUCKING LUCKY. The floor area sold out in less than a minute! The rest of the concert in twenty minutes. Let me repeat one statement….

LESS THAN A FUCKING MINUTE!!!!

THAT’S PRETTY FUCKING HARDCORE!!!!

So we are about an hour into the concert. The band is playing a slower number and the visual show is BLOWING MY FUCKING MIND. It’s not just in front of you but above and behind. Everyone is in awe as they look around enjoying the feast. Except the bogans* next to me have decided to have a conversation. They are catching up and having a….

FUCKING GOSSIP SESSION!!!!

Now this isn’t a bunch of teenage girls having a gabfest. This is a bunch of men. Look as though they are 25+

HAVING A FUCKING GOSSIP SESSION!!!!

IN THE MIDDLE OF A CONCERT!!!!

Now this is not at a festival where there a many bands and the one you are watching may not be your cup of tea. But….

at a CONCERT,

where they PAID MONEY,

 to see just ONE BAND,

where the tickets SOLD OUT,

IN A FUCKING MINUTE,

and you are

FUCKING HAVING A GOSSIP SESSION.

ARE YOU FOR FUCKING REAL!!!!

There are fans out there sitting in the FUCKING BLEACHERS who would kill to get onto the floor and in the pit. There are fans out there who didn’t even get tickets who would kill to get into the concert. And you’re sitting in the pit, full of alcohol, not giving a shit….

WELL DICKHEADS. FUCK YOU!!!!

I can only hope when the revolution comes you are….

FIRST AGAINST THE FUCKING WALL!!!!

* – A bogan is basically white trash for those that don’t know

Beast Butcher and the Gateway Sequel

•April 12, 2013 • Leave a Comment

DAMN YOU SKYRIM!!!!

(I have to stop blaming this game cause it was FUCKING AWESOME!!!!)

But

12 months spent playing one game!

12 months of limited posts!

12 months of limited reviews!

So a two for one offer is on the table! One game before, one game after, both games sequels and both originals never played. But I have to warn you! I’m struggling! With rage! But you’ll soon find out why!

Let’s start with ….

WITCHER 2

What a game. Many ways to play. Different choices to make. I played this through at least three times to cover off all the eventualities. Each play through was FANTASTIC!!!! A great story arc with a great skill tree that let you explore different ways to play. Also a great intertwining of the storylines, so when you played through one path you got to see elements of the other that you then experienced when you played through the other arc. Areas that couldn’t be accessed in one path became accessible in the other and made so much sense. All in all a great game and I look forward to the next one in the series…

And let’s finish with….

PORTAL 2

This game speaks for itself. One of the best ever puzzle games ever made, makes you feel like a mouse in a lab. Combined with an intriguing storyline makes it a must play. The game is haunting with its lack of empathy as you traverse the dilapidated Aperture Laboratories. Each twist and turn keeping you on the edge. The puzzles can be complex but the game gradually introduces concepts that allow you to grow with the complexity so by the time you hit something challenging your brain has already been trained like a….

….MOUSE IN A LAB!!!!

HOW FUCKING COOL IS THAT!!!!

So there was no rage only praise but wait…..

….THE RAGE HAS BEEN FOUND!!!!

DAMN YOU CD PROJEKT RED!!!!

AND DAMN YOU VALVE!!!!

Why you ask?

Cause you made two FUCKING AWESOME GAMES!!!!

How am I supposed to get all raged up and give my readers what they want when you are putting in a FUCKING EFFORT!?!?!?

Why couldn’t you be more like Duke Nukem Forever or pretty much any game based on a movie! i.e.

SHIT!!!!

Then I could rant about the graphics, the engine choice, the gameplay the story….

BUT NOOOOOOO!!!!

You can’t subscribe to my CONFECTED RAGE!!!!

SO FUCK YOU VALVE

and

FUCK YOU CD PROJECKT RD

and

KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK 🙂

Elevated Barricade

•March 31, 2013 • Leave a Comment

The start of this review was written right after Skyrim and was labelled as “CATCH UP”. The book was read well before Skyrim, so long ago I can’t even remember! The post was shelved as other items came to the fore. But I ain’t changing it as that would mean more work. But I’ve included a new feature on this one “commentary” on my writing (these are in parentheses)….

CATCH UP

CATCH UP

SO FAR BEHIND!!!!

(How many times have I used this excuse? Too many, I need a new hook)

I could say I’ve been slack, but I’d rather just say I’ve been at such elevated levels of rage that all I could do was FROTH AT THE MOUTH!!!

(See how I used “Elevated” in the sentence to tie in the title. How smart am I and the confected rage is sooooo original! Note that is sarcasm….)

I’ve been reading and PS3ing and not getting down my thoughts. Let’s dissect….

(These last two words when written would have seemed witty to me now just lame!)

Philip K. Dick is a renowned author whose writings have inspired many a sci-fi movie. More than any other author I can think of but I’m sure that someone will tell me different.

So what’s all the fuss about….

(How can I even make a statement that Dick has inspired more movies than people such as H.G. Wells, Jules Verne, Isaac Asimov, Arthur C Clarke, etc. I’m not doubting his influence but FUCK I’M AN IDIOT!!!! That’s the end of the old musings let’s see if things improve)

In this particular book, it’s the premise. Is the book well written? I would say the language is ok. Is the story excellent? I’d say it’s rather boring. But the overall hook of the book is brilliant. The hook in the book makes you think….

STOP THE PRESS!!!!

In a possible suicide move to some of my readership I am going to have a dig at my own. At my core I am a Sci-Fi and Fantasy reader. I grew up devouring volumes of the stuff. But as I’ve grown older I’ve strayed away from the genre (for reading only). At one point I wasn’t even reading fiction. Then recently I slowly started to bet back into fiction but due to mimetic74 (whose dead blog fiftytwoin52 covers top shelf literature) influence I started to get out of my comfort zone and broaden my horizons. So on that note The Man in the High Castle introduces….

BASICALLY NOTHING FUCKING NEW!!!!

Alternate Realities? The concept of alternate realities has been around for a long time and the term multiverse “was first coined in 1895 by the American philosopher and psychologist William James”*….

NOTHING FUCKING NEW HERE!!!!

Book within a book? Nineteen Eighty-Four, Foundation Series…

NOTHING FUCKING NEW HERE!!!!

Government watching your every move? I give you the definitive Nineteen Eighty-Four (for fucks sake this is embedded into our culture)….

NOTHING FUCKING NEW HERE!!!!

Look Dick does a great job combining these themes to add to the rhetoric but I’m just saying that he really hasn’t come up with anything original. I fear us sci-fi nerds are too FAR UP OUR OWN FUCKING ASSES to realise that we aren’t the only ones who are original and smart….

Let’s have a look at another couple of Dick’s books that everyone espouses….

Scanner Darkly? Author representing his drug addled life through fiction? I give you Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas….

NOTHING FUCKING NEW HERE!!!!

Minority Report? Precognition? This one goes way too far back to even bother providing references….

NOTHING FUCKING NEW HERE!!!!

And I’ll go for the big one. “Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?”? FUCKING EASY!!!! Asimov’s one and only R. DANEEL OLIVAW.

 So what does Dick give us? He does give us insight and twists. He does make us think.

BUT HE DOESN’T GIVE US ANYTHING FUCKING NEW!!!!

But I am being unfair. I’m using Dick as an example to show that some of the themes in sci-fi have been covered by others and we are just TOO FUCKING SLACK to realise cause we are generally pretentious snobs (just like other groups who hold themselves above others).

So fellow nerds….

GET OFF YOUR FUCKING HIGH HORSES AND EXPAND YOUR FUCKING MIND!!!!

Prison Rupture

•March 24, 2013 • Leave a Comment

So I’m reading the news and there is an article (with video) of a shark that get’s its head inside a shark proof cage and nearly dines on a diver’s head for lunch. Scary stuff?

Now I’m going to repeat that middle part…..

“a shark that gets its head inside a SHARK PROOF CAGE”

WTF?!?!

I don’t know about you but I would have thought the design brief of a shark proof cage would have the following two items:

  1. Make sure the bars are strong enough that a shark could not bend them and damage the integrity of the cage structure; &
  2. Make sure the gap between the bars is small enough that shark cannot get into the cage.

And probably not the following statement:

  1. Make sure that the gap between the bars will ALLOW a shark to get into the cage and KILL A FUCKING HUMAN!!!!

Look, we’ve spent the better part of humanity building cages to incarcerate our fellow humans. So you would think that we would know a thing or two. I would guess that the first two things we learnt were:

  1. Make sure the felon can’t break the cage; &
  2. Make sure the felon can’t get through the bars.

Oh look there seems to be some level of agreement between the first list and the second. HOW SURPRISING!!!! And we’ve been trying to perfect that for over…

10,000 FUCKING YEARS!!!!

So I would have thought that we would take that 10,000 years of experience and pretty much nail a shark proof cage.

But it gets better, while taking the usual two minutes of research per article to give myself the minimal amount of justification for the rage without having to immerse myself in “facts” that could lead to a “balanced view” I find that this is not the first time this has happened!

Let’s repeat that last part…

“NOT THE FIRST TIME THIS HAS HAPPENED!”

WTF?!?!

Go and google shark attack cage failure. There’s video’s, article, images going BACK FOR YEARS!!!!

YEARS I TELLS YA!!!!

You would think that this would happen once and everyone would get their shit together. It can’t be that hard to change tHe design brief from:

“spacing between bars to be ABOUT shark head height”

to

“spacing between bars to be MUCH FUCKING LESS THAN shark head height”

But no, we are greedy human’s who don’t give a fuck for one another. We’d rather make a profit and the best way to make a quick profit in manufacturing is to skimp on design and materials. We’ve all been warned on this one so when someone actually get’s their HEAD FUCKING CHEWED OFF!!!!

There’ll be no shock, followed by laughter, followed by “How cool was that?”. There’ll just be a dead person, some reflection and then….

BUSINESS AS FUCKING USUAL!!!!